Sometimes, I'll be sitting on the bus and I'll suddenly realize "whoa, I actually live here. In Washington D.C.." Do you ever have those surreal, I can't believe I'm a big girl, moments? I feel like I get them all the time.

A lot of the times, I feel like I'm still 12 years old, trying so hard to disguise myself as a grown-up. I've always ALWAYS wanted to play with the big kids. The little girl I work with is the exact same way. She's absolutely fascinated by the big girls at her playgroup. She'll follow them around and constantly ask if they want to play with her. Sometimes, they'll humor her, and play with her for a few moments, and then there are other times when they'll simply brush her off. This does not deter her. She'll march right up and ask them point blank what their problem is, and why are they being so grumpy?! I've got 20 years on her, and I'm only just now learning to stand up to the big girls!

Sometimes, I'm afraid I'll be found out, discovered as an imposter in this world full of adults and grown-ups. I'll have to explain myself, and hope that they understand I just wanted to be like them! The life they lead is so fancy and grown-up I just wanted to play in their world for a little while! I'm afraid people will think "Oh she's so young! She doesn't know anything about real life". Then I'm hit with the sudden realization that I am a grown-up. There's no pretending, and I have my own set of real, grown-up problems to deal with, and wow this is so not as fancy as I originally thought it would be! Sure, getting dressed up to meet for cocktails is fun at first, but then it's not so fun when you realize just how much money you spent on a single night out in the city! And Daddy is SO NOT willing to help you out. Yikes!

And then there are times when I think I'm a lot older that I really am. So many of my friends are getting married, and having babies, I feel like I'm way behind on the curve. I have to physically stop myself and say "Ohmygoshi! Get a grip! You're only 22!". I just can't win!

I'm teetering on the edge of being a kid and being an adult. I feel like it's a thin line between being too young and too old (and for the record, I'm not calling anyone in my life old!). But so often, we want to be the person next to us, and not the person staring back at us on the other side of the mirror. Please tell me I'm not the only one that struggles with feeling too young or old! If I am, I think I may have to invest in some serious therapy.

And that will only make me feel older than I really am!

Labels: | edit post
2 Responses
  1. Mandy Says:

    I feel like this on a recurring basis. I have a lot of friends who are married (or married, divorced), have a kid (or two), etc. Its a disconcerting feeling sometimes but I just remind myself that I'm doing whats best for me, making the decisions that are best for me.

  2. I think this all the time. How can I possibly be a real adult? Am I? Do people believe me? I don't believe me! I feel like a perpetual faker...

Post a Comment