exhausted doesn't begin to describe how I feel right now. In a matter of minutes, no seconds, I went from fine, to surprised, to disbelief, to excitement, to anger, to sadness, to fear, and back again. I am emotionally exhausted.

You can't just call and say you're a mere drive away, and expect me to drop everything for you. I haven't seen you since I dropped you off at the airport that cool morning in May, 2005. That's almost one thousand four hundred and sixty days ago, just in case you weren't keeping count. Just a recap on what you've missed out on: 2 freshman years, 5 Family Weekends, 6 opportunities to see us shine, 4 Christmases, 11 birthdays, 1 graduation, thousands of laughs, and hundreds of days that went without even a phone call.

I love you because I have to. I am one half you. What more do you want from me? It's a fine line between hate and love, and I walk it on a daily basis. How can you stand to be away from 3 parts of you that introduced you to the realm of fatherhood? The first one to call you "daddy", your first son, and the one that's always adored you from day one. You don't even know who we are anymore. How can you stand to realize that you haven't been there to shape us, and make us, and mold us to who we are today?

There will be times when I'll be walking and a smell will catch my nose and bring me back to years ago, and my heart will physically hurt for all the missed memories that could have been made, and all the pictures that could have been taken, had you just...been around more. I choke back the tears and fake a yawn to cover my slip-up. Big girls don't cry over broken promises and lost daddies.

You call, and we rearrange our schedules to see you. We call, and can't get a hold of you for days.

You may send relief in the form of dollars, but in the end, it won't be the number in the bank account we remember. It will be those vacations we took, and the family game nights we had, and the movies we saw, and the photos we smiled for, and the dinners we shared, that we remember.

And your face, will be the only one that's missing.
2 Responses
  1. Anonymous Says:

    My heart is breaking for you, my dear. I can't even begin to grasp how hard this must be for you. You are so strong, and I think that's what will see you though.


  2. LindzML Says:

    Bubby...I am here for you. Always have been, always will be. I know I will never ever understand. I will still always be around to listen and help you in any way I can.

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