At the beginning of each yoga session, we're asked to set our intentions for our practice, lately mine has been peace. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and praying. I feel like up until this point of my life I've had a lot of turmoil. I separate my life into two sections; life before I moved to Japan and life after. My time there was just a filler and setup for my life after.

With the crashing of my hard drive last week, I've been struggling with coming to terms with losing certain documents and files on there. It may sound silly and inane, but it's how I feel. Certain conversations I had saved long ago, and random things like that, are most likely gone forever. But I realized that there's no use holding on to the past in any way, shape, or file.

I've had a lot of people walk in and out of my life at their own choosing. I have a difficult time letting people in because I'm afraid that I'll do something to screw it up. It's an interesting kind of pain because you feel so helpless. I used to think that there's obviously something wrong with me that certain people choose to wash their hands of me. As a child I would spend nights thinking about what I could have done differently so that my dad wouldn't have left.

As I've grown and matured, I've been able to recognize and appreciate those that have been there the whole way. I'm continuously amazed by some of the people in my life right now. I know that people come into my life for a reason, and I know that they leave for a reason too. If for nothing else, it's to teach me more about myself. It's something that I'm really starting to come to terms with. I can't change the past, that's for sure. So instead, I'm trying to focus on the future.

My brothers frustrate me - a lot. It's a lot of little things, but sometimes I just lose my cool with them. It gets annoying when I run an errand for one because he "needs to clean his room" but then I find out that he went swimming and sat in front of the computer instead. We all live in our own little worlds and rarely think of the needs of the other two. I'm trying to be better about that, but it's difficult. I think if I can destress that area of my life, things would be a lot calmer.

Finally, I know that God has a purpose for me. What exactly that is, I'm not sure, but I'm trying to take life one day at a time. For the past few years I've been trying to do my own thing. I think it's time that I sit down and analyze some options in my life. Focusing on the day-to-day choices I make will help me be more at ease with my overall decisions in life.

Just recognizing these areas has helped a lot already. I'm not in control of other peoples' lives, and sometimes life just happens.

I've come to realize that peace isn't a goal or destination, it's a journey, it's a constant struggle to maintain that balance, and I'm definitely it in for the long run.
1 Response
  1. chickbug Says:

    beautifully said!

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