Ohmygoshi
Lately, I've been struggling to find the words to say what I want to say. I can do a lot of thinking, but not a lot of writing. I have this tension and energy inside that I just can't get out. No matter how fast I run at the gym, or how much time I spend in yoga. It weighs heavy on my shoulders. I feel like I've been presented with so many opportunities and I've squandered all of them.

Here I am, a month into my summer break, and I've done absolutely nothing. No job, no internship, just hanging out around my house. I feel so...worthless. Like I can't do anything right. I've been bugged by this since I got home from school. Maybe even before.

Here I am, three years into my college career, and I have done nothing with what I've been given. I don't know where I'm going to end up after this, I feel like I've wasted so much time "being a college kid" that I haven't taken advantage of the opportunities that have been given to me. I'm not really that active on campus. Not really involved in much. I'm kind of shy in that sense, and honestly, nothing ever interested me enough to get involved. I could have done stuff just to "do it", but I didn't want to waste my time. I've been facebook stalking some of my brother's classmates who just recently graduated high school. There's talk of "summer sessions" and asking who is in what dorm. The excitement is just bursting off the screen in their few words. Freshman year was the best. New places, new people, new friends, new freedom.

I'm set to graduate in less than a year now. The countdown is on, and it's ticking fast. What am I going to do? I've always had all these dreams and goals, but I've done nothing to see them achieved. I don't need to be told that instead of whining I need to go out and do something. I tell myself that enough, thanks. I've just been thinking about the past three years, that's all. It's 3:33 in the morning, I'm just writing out loud.

Florida is known for daily thunderstorms. I've come to look forward to them. Every rain shower is a chance for a clean slate. It washes away the heat and humidity of the day, leaving a coolness in the summer evening air. Eventually, the sun rises and brings a new wave of scorching rays and air that is 95% water. But then a day or two later, the rain comes back. And the cycle continues to repeat itself.

It's refreshing really. The thought of a washing away everything that is uncomfortable about the day. Washing away everything and starting new.

It really does sound refreshing.
3 Responses
  1. Z Says:

    Ah, the summer before senior year, when you think you need to figure it all out... I remember that.

    My advice? Enjoy your time off, your summer of nothing, do what you've been doing in college for your last year. Why do things just because you feel you should, rather than because you want to?

    I did a LOT in college - and I enjoyed it, true. But playing 2 varsity sports, working 6 jobs (really!), staying at school every summer to do research... I don't know that it was worth it. It got me where I wanted to be, sure, but I never once stopped to think about if it was truly what I wanted. I wish I'd had a summer to do nothing, just relax, not push ahead.

    After this, you may not have it again. So enjoy it while it lasts!


  2. chickbug Says:

    i agree with Z. enjoy it! the worst thing I do to myself is spend my energy worrying i should be doing something else somewhere else and i forget to just stop and live in the moment. that's my advice. everything will work out. you will reach your dreams. and the best part is...you can enjoy the journey too.


  3. drbolte Says:

    Understand that the downtime is sometimes just as essential as the involvement precisely because it gives you the time and energy to clarify what you want to do.

    Just be who you are. Don't be afraid. Believe in yourself. And take chances.

    The rest will figure itself out.


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