Let's see...where to start, where to start?? Last summer I briefly dated this guy, whom we'll call J. It was never meant to be anything serious, just a fun thing that kind of developed from six months of flirting back and forth. He lives here in SmallTown Fl, while I spend most of my time D.C. so we cut things off right before I went back to school. No biggie. I didn't shed any tears over it, and we remained friends. We'd occasionally message back and forth, and over the fall break we met up for dinner again.

Sometime right before Thanksgiving, I'm home and I see if he wants to go to dinner and catch up. He texts me back that he doesn't think so because he's just started dating someone new, and doesn't think it would be fair to her. Hmm. Ok, that's understandable. New relationship = insecurities and whatnot. That's pretty much that, and I move on to other friends in my phone book. Fast forward through Christmas break, spring break, and now summer break, we've had a few exchanges on facebook, and one phone call that involved me asking about how the registration process works at local college that he attends. There's mention of getting together over summer, and blah blah blah.

Ok, so. We've been going back and forth on fbook about summer plans (or lack of them in my case) and I say, "we should grab some food and catch up!" I get this message back saying I'm an awesome girl, and this is really hard for him, but he doesn't think he's at a point in his relationship that we should continue our friendship. We did briefly date, and it wouldn't be fair to his serious girlfriend for us to go to dinner or anything like that. Oh yeah, and I'm a great friend too.

Um...what?? I was more in shock that we went from buddy buddy to "we can't be friends anymore". I kind of feel it's slightly ridiculous as well. He's been in a secure relationship for well over six months now...isn't that past the "can't be friends with other girls" stage?? It's not like we were in love for a year and a half and ohmygod he was the love of my life. In fact, I think we went on a total of 4 dates? Maybe 5. He was never my boyfriend, and he's not even on my list of guys I consider to be an "ex", just on the "dated" list (and we all know there's a huge difference between the two...right?).

So I started thinking about my previous relationships and I realized that every guy I've seriously dated has still been friends with an ex. In one case, I think he's friends with all of them (except me...but that's another story). I really never had a problem with it. Mainly because I was secure in myself and my relationship with my boyfriend. I knew how he felt about me and it was never an issue. Maybe I'm just different than most girls, or maybe he's just got issues with it, or maybe even it's his girlfriend. I think it's silly we can't be friends anymore.

Actually, I'll be honest, my real pet peeve of the whole situation was that he defriended me on facebook. I hate being defriended on facebook. I think it's stupid and immature. Friends don't defriend friends on facebook.

I wrote back a short message saying that I thought we started as friends and we ended as friends, and I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same way, but I wished him the best of luck. I'm not looking to ruin anyone's relationship over lunch. I also told him to let me know if and when he wanted to be friends again. I doubt I'll hear from him again.

I don't feel as if I'm overreacting because my reaction was pretty much, "well that's pretty dumb". But I thought it would be interesting to see what others thought.

How does everyone else feel on this matter?? Is it possible to stay friends after you've casually dated someone?? How would you feel if the situation was reversed?
5 Responses
  1. Z Says:

    I've actually never been a casual dater - it was always either a "relationship" or a one night stand... Don't know what that says about me... hmmm...

    But - for what it's worth - I'm totally on your side on this. He's being dumb. Friends, 4-5 dates, and friends again = friends, not something for someone in a secure relationship to be worried about. So, methinks that his serious, secure, longterm relationship might not be so secure. But that's just speculation...

  2. chickbug Says:

    i agree with you. it doesn't make sense. and makes me think there are issues in his relationship that aren't healthy.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    well he is probably intensely attracted to you himself, and maybe he feels like he simply can't talk to you because he has naughty thoughts and that's bad for his relationship... so he is just trying to distance himself so that the attraction doesn't grow any stronger

  4. Lexiloo Says:

    Funny, because I've been in similar situations. Boys get so wierd about these things, and I'm not sure why. I had a guy end our friendship bc he began dating someone new. Turns out, they are now married. Go figure!

  5. Anonymous Says:

    there is DEFINITELY a difference between being someone's ex-girlfriend and being a girl he briefly dated but they both decided they were better as friends.

    I wouldn't be at all surprised if this had more to do with the new girl than anything else. If she's insecure, and of the jealous persuasion, she'll see you as a threat--ever though you know and he knows that you're not. She won't believe that. My guess is that he's using this as an example: a "look, she's really not serious, we never were serious, I can stop being friends with her and it won't mean a thing" sort of deal to calm her down.

    In short: sucky situation. But I don't think it's about you at all.

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