Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
Still convinced
There's no such thing as idealism

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreamin'
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It aint hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

Last night I had a very strange dream. A bunch of weird stuff happened, but the part that affected me the most was the part that involved me giving birth to my Ex's baby. Um. Okay? Then he showed up and things just got weirder from there. We talked about everything that went wrong in our relationship the first time, and he had his arm around me and we were all oohing and ahhing over the baby. Yikes. Don't even get me started on how we came to make that baby. I wasn't privy to that dream...

and btw, dream birth is a very awkward experience.

When I woke up I didn't really know how to feel. I haven't dreamt about him for awhile now, and it was just out of nowhere. It left me in a funky mood all day. I've been thinking about it off and on, and I realized that the Ex in my dream, wasn't the guy that he was at the end of the relationship, but the one at the beginning. The guy I liked the most. The one that sent me Orchids just because, and was so nice and cool and charming. Not the jerk he turned into.

Maybe it was my mind giving me that closing conversation that I never got. I'm in that point of the break-up stage where I'm kind of indifferent. I've managed to not see him at all this semester, and that's a good thing for me. I don't want to get back together with him, or at least who he was when we broke up, because I know he wasn't good for me, and it's taken me a long time to get to this point. Why is my brain trying to undo all this hard work I've done to get here?

I think, I'm hung up on the guy that he was, not the guy that he became. But then again, who isn't? People change, that's one thing you can definitely count on. But after that, it's all a matter of if you change in a good way or a bad way. Do you change together? or do you fall apart? We happened to fall apart.

I saw him once this semester. I don't think he saw me. When I saw him, I just kept on walking, I didn't cry, or even really miss him. In fact, I lifted my head a little higher and felt a small smile creep across my face. I think it helped that I was lookin' pretty good at that moment. I was rockin' a nice pair of black Editor Pants from Express and a cute pink blouse with adorable sling-back black and white heels.

This year has been LONG. The 365 days between this moment and back in 2007 have been a roller coaster of a ride, with a few Mach 3s thrown in for kicks. Have you ever noticed that Christmas seems to come a lot faster than your birthday does? At least that's the way it works for me. Especially this year. Last year, I was still hoping he'd at leasts say "Happy Birthday" to me, and I was devastated when he didn't. This year, well we're not even facebook friends anymore. It's kind of hard to believe that it's only been a single year. I feel like it's been at least 3 years since I was that person. I've been thinking lately, graduation is about a year away. I need to really start putting thought into what I want to do after that. While staying here in DC would be great, a part of me thinks I should look for somewhere completely new. A brand new fresh start, away from everything DC. New friends, new city, new discoveries. It's not like I have anything keeping me here, why not snap up an opportunity while I still can?

I think some California air would be good for me. And a California boy would be even better.

And let's hope for no more weird dreams about birthing children by my Ex. Because that was just plain awkward...and uncomfortable.
2 Responses
  1. Anonymous Says:

    I really like your blog!

  2. Auburn Kat Says:

    It's really hard when you figure out that the real someone is not who you thought they were!

    Been there done that, hope to not have to go through it again!

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