where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend somewhere along the bitterness
and I would have stayed up with you all night
had I known how to save a life

Once, right before I graduated high school, everyone turned against me. Everyone stopped talking to me, or said horrible things to me. Even my best friends weren't nice to me. To this day I don't even really know why. I think it was a misunderstanding of sorts, but I'm not 100% sure. Teenagers can be mean too. At our final IB Banquet, I wasn't invited to sit at the table, I'm not in many of the pictures, and I wasn't invited to any of the after activities. I was clueless as to why I was suddenly the leper of the group. People just yelled at me and said, "Oh, I think you know what you did." But I didn't. A friend later told me that they had all been told something about me that was completely false, and didn't realize they were wrong until the summertime. It doesn't really matter anymore, since most of those friendships have been restored, and I've moved past it.

Losing a friendship is one of the most difficult things for me. When I make a true friend, I invest everything in it. I'm loyal to the end, and I hate to see the bad in people. I almost always forgive people who've wronged me, I'm always willing to give second chances. So when a friendship ends, it truly breaks my heart. What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented this? The pain is easily comparable to that of ending a romantic relationship. Someone that I expected to be in my life isn't anymore. It tears me up inside, and I want to know why.

I don't really know how to deal with it. I feel so...sad. It's not like she came to me and talked about it, we didn't have a heated argument, there were no exchanging of insults, just two short messages between us. What I would normally do in a break-up is listen to all kinds of sad break-up songs, but I can't seem to find one that matches this feeling. I didn't lose a lover, I lost a friend, someone I thought I had a deep connection with. We bonded over late night giggle sessions, One Tree Hill, Josh Groban, inside jokes, Michael Buble, the art of procrastination, and a love of The Cheesecake Factory. She and I were cut from the same sheet of dough. I still have a gift that I bought in Spain for her. A part of it broke, so I've been spending weeks trying to fix it. There were a few things we didn't agree on, mainly politics and the proper order of The Chronicles Of Narnia, but those were just quirks of friendship that we knew not to discuss.

Sure, we haven't been as close as we once were, but I still held her in high regards, and had a special place in my heart for her. I always made a huge effort for her. I made sure I was there for her 21st birthday, despite the fact that I had other plans that night, I cleared my schedule for her. I offered to make dinner for her one night so we could catch up. She canceled on me, and we never rescheduled. She missed my birthday party. I was sad and hurt that I didn't get any notification until the next day, and even then, it was just a brief three line message. So I messaged back, inquiring as to why she couldn't have at least called or messaged me to say she wasn't going. And that was it. I heard nothing more from her. Sure, I expressed my sadness and feelings here, but that's what I do. Maybe she read them and got angry with me. Or maybe she just decided that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I went to look at her facebook profile, and I realized she was no longer listed as a "friend" anymore. I guess that makes it official right? I hate how facebook makes everything so public. Facebook gets the final say in everything.

I feel like I've been sucker-punched. I'm saddened by this great loss in my life. I've shared so much with her, and always supported her, despite my own feelings. My memories from freshman year are centered around her. I don't know what to do. Do I try to call her? e-mail her? or do I just let go and move on? I'm sad that she didn't come talk to me. I'm sad that we let our friendship disintegrate like it has. I'm sad that she and I aren't best friends anymore.

I'm just sad.
4 Responses
  1. Anonymous Says:

    i completely understand this feeling. it is desperately sad to lose something that was once so precious to you.

    you asked what you should do. i don't really think you should DO anything, as frustrating as that may seem. if she unfriended you on Facebook without saying a word, that's a huge sign that she just doesn't want to deal with you anymore--for whatever reason, logical or illogical, fair or unfair--and to try to force it really does just cause more drama and pain.

    there are times and seasons for everything. focus on the people in your life who are unchanging, fiercely loyal, and who love you even when you mess up and do stupid things and yell at you for no good reason except that you wanted to yell, and who make life a little bit more beautiful. those are the people worth worrying about.

    and as sad as it is to say, for a friendship that once meant the world to you, this person just isn't anymore.

    i'm so sorry.

  2. chickbug Says:

    during our late-teens and twenties, we change a lot. we have new experiences and fresh perspectives. sometimes they make sense and sometimes they don't. your friend grew and changed. or maybe you grew and changed. while it's hard to see in the moment (and the sadness) everything happens for a reason. maybe one day your friend will realize what she is missing. for now, focus on all the people still in your life. they are what matter.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    I think your analogy to a romantic relationship is spot-on. Sometimes, no matter how much we want something to work, and no matter how "in it" we are, something just derails somewhere. Close friends are like lovers in lots of ways; there's an intimacy there that makes us vulnerable, and the betrayal of that trust can be devastating.

    While of course it stung in school, there's something worse about it now. Something about adulthood just makes everything more serious, more permanent: friends now have the possibility of being so much more than "just for now." I think it's harder, too, since we're more or less just us. As adults, friends are our family, and losing that just plain sucks.

    Long story short, I've been there, and it's hard. So hard. As much as you ant to resuscitate it, it might just take time. It might be dead, or it might be back later in your life when you least expect it, when you both have grown and changed.

    As with any loss, however, moving on is imperative. Mourn certainly, but keep on keepin' on ... more true friends are certainly on the horizon for you :)

  4. Wee-H Says:

    I think this way of losing a friend is much harder than falling out with them. You've been dumped without knowing the reason... but remember that people only deserve your respect if they give it back to you. What a cliche, but friendship is a two way process.

    I work in a crazy fickle industry where you need a tough hide to understand who your friends really are. Its really like being back at school. I feel for ya hon.

    P.s hello!

Post a Comment