Something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long

I don't really understand why I keep coming back. The end happened so long ago, I should be over it by now. But no, I still let him get to me. It's not like he was ever that great. He lied to my face. He would choose others over me all the time. But still, when things were good, they were the best. So much fun, those days. Laughing, telling silly jokes, taking pictures, just having fun. I miss that. I remember when I was sick, you would come and take care of me, putting cold washcloths on my forehead and sitting by my side. I admit, I would milk it a little just to get you to stay. And you would tell me to tell all the boys that you would come after them if they were mean to me. It made me feel so special.

I miss you

He's got a new girl in his life now. That spot in his heart that I thought only I could hold, belongs to someone else now. It kills me. Even though I know it's not her fault, she had nothing to do with anything, I can't help but resent her. I'm second best, if not third. It's not fair. When do I get to be number one? I came first! Does that not mean anything anymore???

I hate you

This has been something I've struggled with for years now. You'd think it'd be something I would get over eventually, but I always come back to the same thing. I cringe at the thought of being the girl with "daddy issues". I hate the fact that he throws money in our faces and thinks that will make things all better. Congratulations, you just paid for the making of memories that you weren't in. You think in 10 years, I'm going to remember the fact that you gave me a couple hundred dollars instead of coming and visiting? FUCK NO. Money comes and goes, but all that time you missed, all those memories we made without you, all those pictures you weren't in, that's permanent. Oh nevermind, you have another family to make all those memories with.

I hate that I miss you

I feel so defeated. I put too much hope in something that will never be. I guess I keep thinking that he's going to be the person I want him to be, but I don't think he ever will. It's just disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. I don't want to care anymore. I just want to wash my hands clean of him. I don't want to cry when he doesn't come through for the umpteenth time, or when I think about all the time that's passed since the last time I saw him. That trip was the first, and last, time he'd seen me as a Dazzler, something I was so very proud of.
I remember driving to the airport in silence. The morning was still gray and the John Mayer's "Daughters" was playing the background, how ironic. I didn't speak much because I knew I would start to cry. I think he knew I would too, and that made him uncomfortable.

I just want to scream and yell and tell you that I hate you so much it makes me sick.

But I can't.

And it's killing me.
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3 Responses
  1. drbolte Says:

    oh wow. do i understand this. i really, really do.

    all you can do is be who you are. respect yourself for who you are, for what you've triumphed against, for what you have become against all odds. ignore the voice in your head that tells you that you are anything other than this.

    honor the fact that your heart might be a little tender when it comes to the idea--as false as it is--that you can be replaced. because you can't. YOU can't be replaced. you are you, and not another you exists in the whole world and no one else can do the things that you can do.

    i think, as deeply feeling women, it's very difficult for us to understand how someone can move on and seem to replace us--whoever they might be. i think what we don't understand is that moving on is NOT replacing. moving on is just...moving on.

    you and i both will move on, someday soon. we will both give our hearts away again, with the hope that they will be taken care of and cherished. and we'll keep going forward with hope. because that's what we do.

    in the meantime, it's okay to be a little "GRR" about things. but don't let that make you doubt who you are fundamentally or make you question your worth. those are lies that keep us from doing everything that we can be.

    don't let that happen.


  2. Anonymous Says:

    its okay to not be over it, time heals all wounds, and we learn from pain. but just know that pain will always be there for you when you want to revisit it, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is work hard to forget

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