what a freaking day. wow, what a freaking day. most of my day was spent running from one place to the next. i can't really tell what time it started, because i'm not really sure where last night ended and today started. i wish the story was half as exciting as it sounds...

i do remember working on my wireless router til almost 2 am, and then i do remember finally getting too frustrated to work on it anymore. then i went to study for my finance exam, i was sitting on the bed with the book open, and then i woke up at like 5am. ughh.

i had my mom call me at 8 to wake me up and i studied some more. and more. and more. by the time i left at 11:10, for my 11:20 class, i'd already had 2 cups of coffee, studied for my exam, and somehow managed to get the wireless working, and managed to look somewhat decent for the internship fair. the exam went alright, i guess. from my exam i ran to the library to print off my resume, then to drop my bag off at my japanese teacher's office because i didn't want to take it to the fair. the fair was, interesting. i met some interesting people, handed out my resume, shook a lot of hands, and got some good info. i reaaally want and need an internship! i'm hoping that it'll settle me in a particular direction for my life. there are some pretty cool ones out there. we'll see.

the job fair was from 1-4, but i could only stay till 2 because i had a a silly class on the other side of the world. so i ran back to the office, grabbed my bag (and changed my shoes, love them, but so uncomfortable) and ran to class. even after class, i had to go BACK to the japanese office and take a quiz. which didn't go as well as i thought it would. knew everything except ONE character! and i have to get 100% to move on to the next level, i know that sounds really confusing, but it's her weird "kanji dojo" system.

i finally got to go back to the apartment around 4:15...where i promptly collapsed on the couch, exhausted from my day, and crashing from my caffine rush from the morning. my internet is being super slow, and isn't secured. my dad never sent my mom something she needed for my brother's page for the yearbook. he promised it by wednesday, but now he's mysteriously unavailable. not picking up his cell and not in the office. his unreliability makes me so angry.

myspace changed it's layout, i'm not sure if i like it or not. it's weird. grey's anatomy premiered tonight! that was fun. i have no money, that's no fun. bills are due soon, that's even less fun. ughhh...i reaaally hope that one day, all this will pay off. i'll have an awesome job and make lots of money, and not have to worry about oweing anyone any money. i just hope that day is in a few years rather than way down the road.

it's been a rough week. i need a drink.

it's been a rough day. i need a drink.
I feel the need to scream. just go to an open field where there's no one else around for miles and scream. unfortunately for me, dc doesn't have many of those. so instead, i'll try it here.


i still feel like i need the real thing.
i knew it was a bad idea to drink that cup of coffee at 10:30...but i just couldn't help it. i had made it, i couldn't let it go to waste...

so now i'm wide awake. at 3:05 am. with a 9:55 in the morning. lovely. things that have been on my mind lately:

not much. ok, that's a lie, but really it's just been the same stuff i've blogged about in the past few entries. needing to be needed...blah blah blah. i've been missing everything home this past week. my friends, family, house, car, everything. i read over my facebook wall-to-wall with lindz today, and it's so amusing, the things we say to each other at random times. ah, i love that girl. i think one reason this summer was great was because we got so close again. we've always been close, but it was just refreshed. (yes? no? maybe?).

i'm super excited that this is Premiere Week on ABC! wooooo for Grey's, Private Practice, and Brothers & Sisters!! B&S is going to present problems for me and my dear roommate though. It plays on Sunday nights, but what else plays on sundays?? a little thing called Sunday Night Football. Yes, it's that important it gets proper caps - no joke. If the Patriots are playing, i don't even think it's worth trying to fight. Homeboy looooves his Patriots, nothing comes in his way of watching them. Granted, Brotheres & Sisters is available on ABC.com the next day, but i should get to watch it on tv every now and then, right??

tonight, i wrote out my contribution to my brother's senior page. surprise surprise, i actually like the kid after all ;) i actually had a lot to say, and i hope i don't have to cut it down (i always hate having to do that...). he's accomplished so much, and is dangerously smart. we're siblings, so there have definitely been times when i wanted nothing to do with him, but secretly, i am super proud of him. I think he dealt well as well as he could with being the middle child. just like he'll never know what it's like to be the oldest (not always what it's cracked up to be...), i'm sure that being the middle is not an easy job. i think we'll all agree that the baby has it best. he always will. maybe it's because my mom was the baby, or he's just the golden child. My uncle recently saw a picture of the three of us when LB (littlest Bro) was just a babe. his comment? "Look, it's A, B, and Bart Simpson" - for some reason he's always thought LB looked like bart simpson. i don't see it, but it makes me smile.

i was leafing through my senior yearbook fishing for inspiration on what to write, and i'll admit, some things definitely made me a little teary. it's SO hard for me to fathom the fact that in a few months my brother will be graduating high school!! it's even harder for me to process the fact that i've been in college for 3 years now! how can that be? I just started! Just last week I was a freshman! and two weeks before that, I was struggling to finish up my senior year of high school and IB! how can it be that my brother is now picking out senior pictures and writing college entrance essays?!? i'm turning 21 in a little more than 6 months! where did it all go?

People are getting married, having babies, their lives are falling into place. am i supposed to have these things figured out soon?? i've always thought that i wanted to have my first kid by the time i was 27, but i wanted to have been married for at least 3 years before that. which puts me at getting married at 24, at the latest!! yikes! that's not far away when i think about everything in perspective! i'm too young to be worring about all this internal clock stuff! too young i say!
i hate the giants...they ruined my sunday. :(
i'm struggling between missing someone but not missing someone, wanting something new, and wanting what i had. i don't even know who i'm talking about half the time.

life sucks.

i've been in a funky mood lately, and i'm not too sure why. This semester has been alright so far, nothing SUPER exciting, but nothing really rotten either. I have a nice apartment, the master bedroom, and a nice bed. I'm extremely thankful for everything that i have, but still, i feel like something's missing. maybe it's just that sense of belonging to someone that i miss so much. my roommate's girlfriend is over every night and sometimes it just gets a little hard to sit on the couch with them and watch tv when they're all snuggly and holding hands and lying on each other's chests. i'm not even sure that i miss having that with a particular someone, i think it's just the feeling that i miss. it's taken me a lot of time to get to this point where i'm at now, regarding that person. i don't know if i'll ever be fully over him or what happened, but i've learned that moving on is essential to living life, and it's better for me and my heart if he just stays gone.

i feel like everyone around me is finding someone, and here i am still alone. it is disheartening at times. i hate feeling alone. and it's not that i'm not happy for those who aren't, but it just makes me realize what i don't have. what i really want. patience is a virtue that i've always struggled with. especially when i got a taste of something that i really liked this summer.

i'll admit, sometimes, i'm afraid that i'll be alone forever. what if i'm that person who doesn't ever find that one sweet love? did i have it and let it go? what's that saying? always a bridesmaid, never a bride? is that really a possibility for me? what would i do if it was? is it a legitamate fear?

i'm ready and waiting to not feel like this anymore.
the other day my mom called me up and told me that a good family friend of ours was driving up to DC this week and was willing to take me a box of stuff, so what would i want her to bring me?? I came up with a few things and told my mom. Today, i talked to her and asked her if she had gotten my stuff together to give to the friend driving up (she's leaving early thursday morning), and she pretty much failed at getting anything together. That kind of pissed me off. like, why even bother to ask me, get me thinking about what i need from home, and then not put the stuff together to send to me?

she said she had my brother looking for something i'd asked for; which, if you know my brother, means he'll never find it, homeboy would lose his head if it wasn't attached.

anyways, i'm just a little annoyed. she had time to go to the movies and talk on the phone all night long, but can't remember to get stuff together for me. something she said she'd do in the first place.

right before I graduated in May of 2005, my friend lindz decided to make a "101 things to do in 1001 days", and after seeing how hers turned out, I decided to draft my own set of things i wanted to achieve. I sat down one afternoon and made my list. Some things were silly like "get a prom date" and whatnot, but others were things that i really wanted to accomplish in my lifetime. Well, this past summer while in rome, i rediscovered this file saved to my computer over two years ago. I had completely forgotten about it until then! I opened it up and was fascinated by how many of those things I had managed to accomplish. i did update a few of the silly things here and there, but for the most they are all still true. I posted it on the side of my blog, so go and check it out. :)
i've finally found a little bit of downtime, so i'm chilling in the student union not really up to anything.

i don't really want to go back to the apartment for a few reasons. It's hot outside, but freezing in the apt, we have no cable, i have no comfortable bed (yet), and there's no internet either (when i do get it, it's like being on dial-up). So, instead i've decided to hang here for a few minutes.

sitting a few people down from me are two girls and this one guy who are all arguing about...student senate stuff? i think? i can't really tell, but man, this guy is on such a freaking powertrip. He's being a complete tool bag, and not very nice at all. This leads me to think, do unattractive people in powerful positions become too serious because they aren't used to the attention and position? seriously, this guy, he's kinda chubby, glasses, pale, and probably really smart, but he's just being a complete ass about EVERYTHING and is talking a bunch of shit about other people involved in student government!

in other news around the student union...well, that's pretty much it. I've been pretty busy with life since school started. as i said earlier, still no bed. at least i get that on sunday. i don't think i could be more excited. i'm grateful to my uncle for letting me borrow it, but i am so ready to get the hell off of it. my friend is going to help me decorate the room, so i'm really looking forward to that. Classes...well they're classes. but the other day i actually found myself enjoying (gasp!) my marketing class, and even today, i enjoyed my business finance class. That's how I know i'm in the right field...i'm learning how to invest my money and make huge amounts of money in return, and i'm loving every minute of it!

things with my dad aren't really better or worse. they're just there. i feel that he is suddenly trying to be my mentor and parent, but he doesn't know me at all. I feel that if he did, then he wouldn't say the things that he does. he would think differently about me, and what my plans for my life are. He can't step back in after a 10 year absence and expect me to take it very nicely. he always promises that he's going to be better at that whole "dad" role, but i'll believe that one when it actually happens. until then, i'll just see him as the ass that he is.
my dad is an asshole.

end of story.